Do No Harm Chapter 2 (Shadouge)

(Shadow's POV)

As much as I want to listen to my father and just end my patient's misery, the thought of this man's family kept plaguing my mind as though they are silently hoping for him to be saved at this rate.

Sweat dribbled down my forehead, my arms are starting to ache from all of the chest compressions I've been doing, and my eyeglasses are already stained with the tears that are constantly flowing from my eyes.

It's already been three minutes and there's still no response from the patient nor was he demonstrating any signs of life. Three minutes may have passed but I am still holding on because during our "Mock Code Training" when I was still in Medical school, our instructor told us that the sooner you start CPR at the very moment the patient goes into cardiac arrest, it literally stretches the critical three to four minute time frame into six to eight minutes before a patient undergoes irreversible brain damage.

That fact alone is enough to give me a few moments of hope.

Truth to be told, whenever a patient loses his or her heartbeat, us doctors would agree that they are already clinically 'dead' but not all of them would stay dead because there are chances that we could still bring them back and thus, the common misconception of "Doctors are miracle workers" is born.

As my father implied, I can't save them all but that doesn't mean that I should just give up, especially if there are still ways to bring him back.

Reviving the clinically dead is a very chaotic and yet controlled scene. We have been trained to be ready for these type of situations. There really is no 'I' in Team when it comes to saving lives. Like most of my superiors always say: It takes a village to save a life. However, no matter how we have prepared ourselves before being exposed into the field, learning how to control one's emotions during a code isn't something that could be taught. It takes a great deal of experience to be numb enough to face these life or death situations. This is one of the burdens that a medical personnel has to carry on his shoulders in order to fulfill their duties as a health care professional.

As much as I'm trying to avoid getting attached to my patients, I couldn't help but feel a connection with them like I have already known them for a long time even if it's only for a brief moment. Most doctors learned how to control their emotions because it gets in the way of their duties but for me, I still have a long way to go to keep these unwanted emotions at bay.

At the current moment, my emotions are piling up inside me. It's becoming more difficult to contain it no matter what I do. I admit that I wasn't emotionally prepared to handle a case like this but I was left with no other choice but to face this awful reality before me.

The thought of this man's family anxiously waiting outside the waiting area, the surrounding medical staff either keeping the family calm or assisting in resuscitating the patient, my father telling me to declare that the patient has died; the pressure is too much to handle that I'm starting to feel like I'm losing to a battle.

I hate it. I hate it so much because I know that deep down, the patient is still fighting to survive to see his family once again.

Some people believe that miracles exist while some don't. Frankly, I am quite on the neutral side between those two beliefs but right now, I am begging for a miracle to happen.

Hinting from my father's expression that he has already ran out of patience, he asked a couple of orderlies and nurses to pull me away from the patient.

"Let me go, damn it!" I yelled as I tried to free myself from their grip.

My first attempt was successful but the second time they took a hold of me, I wasn't able to get myself free which only made me even more frustrated than before, especially at the thought of my father taking control of the current situation.

Why are they listening to him? Why can't they trust my judgment?

Clock is ticking so fast, it was getting away from my grasp. I panicked at the thought because every second spent away from my patient made my dimly-lit hope gradually lose its light.

"Shadow, keep your chin up and face the fact!" my father scolded and probably infuriated at the weakness I'm showing before him. "I did not raise you to be a weakling. You're much better than that."

For some reason, my father's last statement sent a pinch on my chest. I could feel my pride getting crushed and he's intentionally stepping on the pieces just to make me feel even more humiliated with myself.

"He could still be saved. Letting him die is just like committing murder!"

"It's far from murder, Shadow. We're not trying to kill this patient because it's already his time. We're trying not toact like gods and defy the principles of life and death, for chaos' sake! There's a limit to our profession, we can't cheat death!"

"Please…Just let me try once more. I could bring him back." Rendered with no other choice, I swallowed what's left of my pride and pleaded because none of them were listening to me anymore.

"Enough, Shadow. You've done everything you could and you're probably exhausted. Let your patient go, it's his time."

The world seem to crash down before me. I don't know what else to do and being restrained like this didn't help in keeping myself under control, either. It's only making me feel terrible.

"He's not gone yet!" I suddenly felt my strength go back upon hearing my father's remarks. It was a bluff, just enough for him to reconsider what he's trying to make me do.

"That's outrageous."

"Go and see for yourself! He's still fighting for his life and as long as the patient is still fighting, we should fight alongside him!"

The cold look on my father's face never left him. Clearly, a hint of disappointment is evident from his gaze from the behavior I'm demonstrating. I'm making a fool of myself for believing in miracles; that my patient would suddenly rise back from the dead.

"I could clearly comprehend your dedication to this profession but don't make this matter more difficult, Shadow."

My father went towards the patient and palpated for any signs of pulse, then he took his stethoscope out and listened to the patient's chest.

His fierce gaze never left his face all throughout the assessment. It was his ideal behavior of a doctor; keeping a calm demeanor in a chaotic and heartbreaking situation.

I could almost feel every vital organ inside me shut down the moment I saw him pull his sleeves up to check on the time.

He's going to call it. Chaos…I'm sorry, I tried.

I could only watch in horror as my father prepared to announce that the patient didn't make it.

"Time of death, 8:45 pm." My father simply said and ordered one of the nurses to do some post-mortem care.

The other staff started cleaning the place while the others went back to their positions like it was just an ordinary case that failed and it's nothing to be worried about.

I felt the world slowed down, the voices around me suddenly became inaudible but I could still hear the sound of the flat line filling my ears. I was still petrified on the spot where I stood. I didn't even notice that the staff who were holding me before already released me from their grip.

It was just heart-breaking. It wasn't his time yet and I let him go. What have I done?

"Shadow T. Hedgehog!" I jumped at the sound of my father calling my name out loud. That's when I felt that my muzzles were already damp with the tears that must have been streaming as I watch my father announcing my patient's death.

I quickly got my composure back and took my glasses off to wipe the tears from my eyes as quickly as I could before wearing them back again. I feel so wrecked. It's like I've completely let my emotions compromise me enough to make me regret ever being the doctor on duty at the current moment. To make matters worse, it was my father who took over the situation which is why he's giving me that piercing look on his face.

I saw him sigh before me then he gently shook his head, hinting disappointment with my actions.

"I'm deliberately disappointed in you for bursting out into an emotional fit. You attach yourself with your patients too much that it has crippled you. Hopefully, there won't be another code in your shift but the next time, God forbid, another code happens, I expect that you would completely purge your emotions so as to not let it hinder you on your duties. You may be a doctor but you can't call yourself one unless you're ready to face death before your eyes. As I said before, we can't save everyone."

I didn't bother looking at him but my ears became the frontline of hearing him pointing out my mistakes.

His words didn't matter to me anymore as I found myself staring at the patient behind him while muttering a silent apology at how devastated I am to betray the trust of his family, especially his daughter who clearly heard those promising words escaping my mouth.

I sighed deeply before letting out an angry outburst. "I promised his family that I would save him and I wanted to keep my word until you decided to interfere!"

My father gritted his teeth at my response. "You foolish boy…We should never make promises to our patients. Never! It's the biggest mistake a doctor could make. Medicine is full of uncertainty. Sometimes, even treatments that were deemed successful are bound to fail. We can't always guarantee that we would save them and I am clearly aware that you know that."

I was left speechless. As much as I hate to admit it, it was indeed a mistake to make promises in the medical field. It's the most common mistake doctors make. Perhaps I was just desperate to save a life or maybe because I felt sorry for his daughter that forced me to commit such a mistake.

Things had become more complicated for me when he ordered me to bring the news to the family.

"What?" the word unconsciously slipped from my mouth upon hearing his orders.

"Tell the family what happened. It's your responsibility to let them know. Don't disappoint me again." He sternly told me as he made his way out of the emergency department without saying another word.

My feet got stuck into the ground. I couldn't move nor even speak as the thought of breaking the news to the family crippled me even further.

This shouldn't be done by me. No, not me. Chaos, why do I have to go through with this?

Gathering my strength, I made my way towards the family of the patient as I did my best to mask my current feelings with a straight face.

I was met with the sight of my deceased patient's daughter sitting on the waiting area with her eyes on the floor while a copper-furred, male bat who's also in his early twenties wearing a dark suit was comforting her by gently rubbing her shoulders. The patient's wife was busy talking with a copper furred, middle-aged male bat who wore a dark navy blue suit.

"Doctor, how was my father?" were the first words the daughter said the moment she caught sight of me. She quickly stood from the waiting area and walked towards me. The wife and the two male bats followed afterwards.

"Is my husband alright?" said the female bat.

"What happened, doctor?" added the older male bat.

I was plagued with a lot of questions; questions that I find difficult to answer after what happened. The pressure is too much to bear and it's making me feel paralyzed once again but I tried to keep myself together by doing what my father wants me to do; deliver the news in the absence of my emotions.

"The…the patient…" I took a deep breath to compose myself.

For some reason, I couldn't look straight into his daughter's face without feeling a sense of guilt because it reminded me so much of the patient that I couldn't save. If it weren't for her snow-white fur and tan muzzles, she would have been the female version of her father.

"Doctor, you seem disturbed." She walked a few steps closer to me, "Is it bad news?" upon saying those last words, I saw a single tear streamed down her muzzles. "Is it?" she asked once again.

"The situation was under control but…" my voice began to fade away and I found myself closing my eyes and drooping my head in defeat.

"But what?" I heard the wife exclaimed as she tries to control her sobs.

"I'm sorry…" my guilt-filled voice trembled as I tried to keep myself strong in all of this. "I…did my best..."

I heard a couple of gasps then the next thing I know, the waiting room suddenly felt gloomy from the grief-stricken people that surrounded it. The wife, unable to take the pressure, was led to the waiting benches so she could sit down while being comforted by the older male bat but the daughter still stood before me, petrified.

"Tell me that's not true!" the daughter's voice startled me enough to shoot a glance at her. Her once sorrowful face was now filled with burning contempt. "Tell me, he's still alive, right?"

"Rouge, your father is gone…" the younger male bat spoke as he tried to pull her away from me but she did her best to get away from his grasp. "No! I won't believe it!"

"But the doctor said-"

"That's not true!" she glared at me with her muzzles stained from her tears. "Doctor, please tell me he's okay. You promised. You told me that you'd save him."

"I'm sorry, I swear I did everything I could but your father didn't make it…" were the last words I was able to blurt out before the girl stormed out of the place with tears in her eyes.

I was left speechless and that's where I felt the guilt inside me overflowing.

I shouldn't have stopped…I could have saved him…

"Rouge!" the male brown bat went after her leaving me with the mother and the older male bat.

"Don't mind her, doctor. We know you did your best…" said the older male bat as he continued comforting the patient's wife.

I kindly excused myself then I turned away from them and quickly made my way out of the scene but as I walked farther, the more I felt myself slowly breaking down. I felt a tear escaped my lids, then that single tear was followed by another until I found myself completely sobbing in defeat.

I found myself later on sitting just beside the nurses' station. My eyeglasses, my white coat, my pen light, my blue pen, as well as my stethoscope and ID were scattered on the floor.

'You can't save everyone!'

'Let him go.'

'You told me that you'd save him…'

These words kept pushing me down until I could no longer breathe because I've already lost the strength to carry these burdens.

Funny how failure could sometimes reduce your worth into something unbelievably smaller than a microbe.

My hands covered my face as I freely let my tears flow. Pain, grief and regret filled me completely and I didn't know what else to do. I feel like everything was just taken from me when I allowed that patient to die on that table.

The way his family reacted at the news sent a pinch to my heart and that man's daughter…I couldn't get her out of my mind. I feel like I have betrayed her by making that promise and now she's probably hating my whole existence.

Even though I hate to admit it, my father was right. This is what I deserve by making that grave mistake of making promises that I can't keep. This is why doctors shouldn't keep promises at all.

"Doctor?"

All of a sudden, I heard a feminine voice called my attention. Looking towards the sound of the voice, I saw a female, middle-aged, lavender echidna with dark purple eyes standing before me with her gentle gaze.

It was the head nurse, Lara-Le. She is one of the superior nurses who had always believed in my capabilities ever since I started working in this hospital. She's like a mother and a mentor to me and I respected her more than my father in this institution.

"Yes, Head nurse Lara-Le?" I calmly said as I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes.

"You did your best." She gently smiled at me as she put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I am so proud of what you've done."

I gave her a barely visibly smile then that smile immediately turned upside down as I was reminded of my failures.

"No…it wasn't my best…" I swallowed hard. "I failed. I'm a complete failure. I don't deserve that white coat. I can't even save one patient."

Another tear attempted to make its way towards my muzzles once again but I immediately wiped it away with the back of my hand.

I heard Head nurse Lara stifle a giggle. She must have seen me stubbornly trying to dry my tears away.

"Don't be hesitant in showing your emotions, doctor," she said in amusement. "That means that you have a caring heart and it's not something that you should be ashamed of. Of all the doctors I've met here, you're one of the few who I think truly deserves that white coat." I saw her picking up the things I've thrown, including my white coat.

"Not a lot of doctors could demonstrate such feelings like you did back there during that code. Most doctors would just let the patient go without doing so much which is why I'm really proud of you for fighting for your patient's life until the end."

"Here are your things, doctor." She then placed all of those things I've thrown on a chair just beside me. "Don't lose hope now. Patients need doctors like you."

She left after that and I was left on my own once again.

I just sighed in response at her encouraging words. As much as I appreciate her help, I still couldn't comprehend how I'm feeling right now. I still feel like I've done something unforgivable. It's like I just want to disappear from this establishment for good.

Seeing that my shift is almost over, I took my things and made my way towards the locker rooms so I could keep them there then I walked around the hospital grounds like a free man; discreetly blending along with the people around me.

I decided to do a quick visit on the 7th floor where the Maternity and Pediatric wards are located.

I made my way to the Pediatric and Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and inside, I saw a dark furred hedgehog with upturned quills wearing light blue scrubs with a mask on his muzzles walking around the area with a couple of nurses wearing the same scrubs trailing behind him.

It was my uncle doing his clinical rounds.

My uncle specializes in Neonatology, a subspecialty in pediatrics responsible for taking care of newborn babies, especially those that are born ill or premature. He has always been interested in taking care of babies and children. His passion and dedication to his work is evident from the way he's handling things in the ward.

A smile peeked at the corner of my lips as I saw him assessing some tiny premature mobian infants in an incubator that could barely move because of the contraptions they have in order to survive. Some are even in a mechanical ventilator for they are unable to breathe for themselves.

Seeing these babies fighting for their lives at a very young age are truly heartbreaking but seeing how well they are being taken care of, I could say that I am quite relieved at the same time.

"Oh hello there, kiddo. Wow, you're tolerating that parenteral nutrition well. That's good." His gentle voice said as his gloved finger gently patted the mobian infant's leg that's almost as thin as that of an index finger because of the lack of body fat. "Your mommy and daddy would be very happy to see you soon."

I saw him walking to another nearby incubator while the he checked the flow of the fluids as well as the monitors attached to the infant.

"Baby boy Gordon," he said as he checked for the tiny mobian baby's vitals chart, "Looks good. Well, this kid is going to grow up to be the next legendary football player in Mobius sometime in the future like his father. I hope I'd still be around to ask his autograph one day," he said that made most of the nurses chuckle in response.

I feel somehow enlightened seeing my uncle breathe some hope into these infants that only have a 50/50 chance of survival or even less.

Seeing my Uncle flawlessly doing his job somehow made me feel good inside. He's the complete opposite of my father. Outgoing, lively, and would always put his patients first before anything else.

I hope someday, I would be able to perform my duties flawlessly like he does.